My wife and I have life plans that make HRT unrealistic in the near future. We’re mostly concerned with fertility and my wife is still coming to terms with my identity. She understands it - she’s just grappling with the possible future changes.
In the meantime, I’m starting to do what I can to transition without HRT. Shaving. Exercise and dieting. Growing my hair out. Facial routines and hair routines. Etc.
I found FaceApp (like many other trans folks) and I’ve become a little obsessive. I take at least one photo a day and I’ve experimented with using the generated photos in private accounts for a euphoria hit. But I’m feeling like it’s making me constantly obsess with transitioning. I’m perusing trans timelines, MTF fashion, etc. on my phone a lot more than usual. Before using the app, I didn’t really have “goals”. I just wanted to get as close to feminine as possible. Now, I see this other face and I want to be her. I feel trapped in this body.
Anyways, I guess I’m just venting here. It hurts to feel this way.
I appreciate the concern and it’s super kind of you to bring that all up. I’ve dealt with depression my whole life and I’ve gone to extensive therapy to treat it. On the positive side, I have tons of tools, medications, and support to deal with depression. My wife is aware of my history and I’m going to therapy. I’m taking Lexapro to alleviate my general depression. I’m not super worried about it because my wife and I understand that – if it ever gets to that point – I’ll take HRT to alleviate my symptoms and begin fully transitioning.
Kids are really important to me. I’ve always wanted a decently sized family and my first child has been nothing but joy (and work, but mostly joy). As for the IVF, it’s definitely on the table. My wife and I are going to assess a natural pregnancy solution in a few months and decide then if we’re interested in trying. I’m pretty sure I can hang on that long. In the meantime, I’m doing everything I can via diet, exercise, and hair to achieve the goals that HRT isn’t going to naturally provide. I’m hoping that we can get pregnant, I can then freeze my sperm, and then I can go on HRT. Basically, I’d be waiting 6-9 months before the HRT arrives at my doorstep. That’s a long time and my plans might change, but that’s the currently plan.
OK good it’s a relief you have that contingency in place. it sounds like you have a really good support system in place and i’m really glad to hear it
so i guess i’ll leave you with my best advice for getting through the time until you start HRT:
really sit and internalize that you are a woman. you might think of it as, the way you look right now, on the outside, is not very much like a woman. in a way, it’s the least you’ll ever look like a woman. but regardless, you must internalize that you are a woman
which means confronting all of the internal biases you have about what a woman looks like. about facial structure, about facial hair, about your facial hair, if you have it. the way your body looks
you are a woman.
it’s hard and it’s painful to confront these things. but it’s important, not even every cis woman looks how they want to, or might look manlier than they want. but they are still women, and so are you
obviously, you shouldn’t come out anywhere you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. but, in the places you feel safe, you should be open about your identity. it’s nice to be affirmed. if you can find community irl, that would be helpful, too
you’ll probably have to work through a lot of internalized transphobia. i know i did, it took me a long time, and i’m probably still working through things
but it’s so so so so SO important to internalize that you are a woman regardless of how you look
it is the antidote to the kind of mind poison that comes from scrolling transition timelines and comparing yourself to faceapp
so many trans girls i know look amazing and beautiful and still see a man in the mirror
start seeing a woman in the mirror NOW, so when you start HRT, you can truly appreciate all of the little changes it bring. or if you get surgery or whatever
you can only see a woman in the mirror when you start telling yourself the person in the mirror is a woman
when you feel that bite and sting of dysphoria, remind yourself that you are a woman
you are a woman. now, before the HRT, before you look how you want to look, before everything - you are a woman
godspeed, i hope everything works out for you