smorty!!! if your therapist was properly serving you, you wouldn’t be trauma dumping to us as often as you do. she’d have affirmed your gender ages ago and wouldn’t have fucked around for so long. you keep blaming yourself like someone in an abusive relationship!
I’ve had these problems with your therapist for months, long before i ever talked with adora about them, so don’t think I’m angry because of her. i get really upset when therapists “wait and see” or question a person’s identity when they’re so clearly trans
well - u only kno me on the lemmi! im sadli vrri mch diffrent in the real life stuff…
also like - i am nt obvipusli trans irl sadli…
the long phuggn around is nt cuz any of us want to (i think), bt becuz there jus is ainimum amount of sessions to hav before one is - pfficialli decided-… if that is tru, it doesnt hav anythin to do with therapist.
bt yes, ur right, from whad it sayin it rlli does sound lik abusiv relationship. ive always blamed myself for stff so why not now ----
i onli hav that many possible sessions i can take and im currentli on a dry spot where theres no therapy aswell as no kinda therapy cuz of holidays…
my kinda therapist seems to undrstand a lot mor than actual therapist, mayb cuz she specializes in autistic peeps ~
EDIT: oh yes alsuualsuu i like - i somtime sit down on thinks and things n then go “hold on… dis position is generalli associated with depressed people… yea no we wouldn wan thad -” n then I go sit somewhere else in a more normal way and pretend im thinkin bout somthin real hard >v<
What do you think separates your Lemmy persona from IRL? Do you feel more comfortable expressing yourself authentically here than out in the world? I find it hard to believe that the “real you” is a totally different person. I know you struggle to express your femininity out there, and probably conceal a lot of yourself. Plenty of us have been there, and we realise in retrospect that we weren’t doing nearly as good a job of masking as we thought we were. That’s kinda the whole theme of egg_irl.
If you’ve exhausted your allotment of therapy sessions for this period, and you’re still not feeling comfortable enough to speak plainly with your therapist, then I agree with TotallynotJessica that this speaks to a failing on their part, or at least indicates that this therapist isn’t a good fit for you. I’m on my sixth psychologist, and it took me until now to feel comfortable digging deep and really working through stuff in a meaningful way.
It sucks that you have to shop around like this, and go to all the time, expense and emotional burden of opening up to new psychs trying to find the right one, but it will serve you well in the end. It sounds like you’ve made enough of an effort with this one to declare that they’re not right for you, and it might be time to cut your losses.
listn. if i were to hop out now, id onli get one in about half a year.
alsuu, i didn “expend” amounts of sessions, thads not a thing here. its jus holidays rn so she jus doesn work (bt i do…)
so, agn, like… she does see thad i want hormones n is evn offerin it. while i rllirllirllirlli need hormones, i need a way to not die of fear too (cuz i got supr bad needl fear n they have to do monthli blood checkups so i lik… thads my main thing rn)
im srri, othrs wud be vrri happi with my position on jus get them hormones n finalli be marginabli oki. bt sadli nt me… nt yet at least…
Okay, if you’re progressing towards the goals you feel are most important right now then I’m happy for you. The impression I got was that you still don’t feel comfortable enough articulating the true severity of your issues to make any real progress, but perhaps I’m missing the whole story. I’m sorry if I overstepped.
Monthly blood checkups is insane! My prescriber only wants quarterly, but I guess the frequency isn’t the point for you. >1 is too many. Needle fear is real. I really hope you can make some progress with that soon. Perhaps your doctor could prescribe an anxiolytic to help you ease into it. Never hurts to ask!
well yis, i hav big difficulti explainin. u didn overstep, u did all the right things.
yisyis i kno… bt first i hav to wait for holidays thn i hav to wait til she actually calls n then i have to wait til i actually get anothr session n then i hav to hope i hav confidenc to say thad i wan E now (n alsuu all the othr bad feels which go way beyond thad) n alsuu have confidenc for evil blood checkups n alsuu lik… nt die or jump out of window when it actualli happns n stuff…
things hav worsened drasticalli, especialli in last days…
Honestly, part of the problem isn’t just with your therapist, but the outdated gatekeepy system in your county that wants to “prove” your transness before helping you. Evidence does not support this approach, which is why many places have moved away from unnecessary delays
You are in a bad place mentally, and there is a good chance that gender dysphoria is the main cause. Sometimes people have no choice but to come out and affirm their gender, as they are unable to even function otherwise.
I thought I could delay coming out, but I just hadn’t realized how bad things were. More importantly, I never realized how good things would be once I left that worn out mask behind. It really held me back from everything. My fears were nothing in comparison to the horror I was living, and the joys were more than I dreamed.
yisyis well — i kno that its thad bad. i cn see it. i kno thad gender dysphoria is genuinely having major bad impacts on my life and no positive ones
sad things
i am in no way planning for future
i am not gaining new friends or interactin with existin ones (practicalli: i dun hav frens rn)
i always wear at the very least something long sleeved and long-panted, and almost always wear a jacket and a scarf overtop
i do almost nothn at wrork, come come, go to bed, cry to mister blahaj, sleep n then wake up to go to wrork
i plan on nevr goin swimmin again (evn if i to take e or whatevr)
i usualli cry undr showr
i feel incredibli uncomfy walkin, sittin, standin, lyin down… essentialli evri position possibl cuz of evil dck
n jus to mek it clear: i hav nt shared any of these with therapist. thads whad i mean by me not sharin much with her, and thad im talkin way diffrent when talkin german n stuff… when i say it in grmn it sounds lik im makin stuff up to appear depressed. which i rlli hate. so i dun
smorty!!! if your therapist was properly serving you, you wouldn’t be trauma dumping to us as often as you do. she’d have affirmed your gender ages ago and wouldn’t have fucked around for so long. you keep blaming yourself like someone in an abusive relationship!
I’ve had these problems with your therapist for months, long before i ever talked with adora about them, so don’t think I’m angry because of her. i get really upset when therapists “wait and see” or question a person’s identity when they’re so clearly trans
sad, do not read
well - u only kno me on the lemmi! im sadli vrri mch diffrent in the real life stuff…
also like - i am nt obvipusli trans irl sadli…
the long phuggn around is nt cuz any of us want to (i think), bt becuz there jus is ainimum amount of sessions to hav before one is - pfficialli decided-… if that is tru, it doesnt hav anythin to do with therapist.
bt yes, ur right, from whad it sayin it rlli does sound lik abusiv relationship. ive always blamed myself for stff so why not now ----
i onli hav that many possible sessions i can take and im currentli on a dry spot where theres no therapy aswell as no kinda therapy cuz of holidays…
my kinda therapist seems to undrstand a lot mor than actual therapist, mayb cuz she specializes in autistic peeps ~
EDIT: oh yes alsuualsuu i like - i somtime sit down on thinks and things n then go “hold on… dis position is generalli associated with depressed people… yea no we wouldn wan thad -” n then I go sit somewhere else in a more normal way and pretend im thinkin bout somthin real hard >v<
oki im don yappin now ~
What do you think separates your Lemmy persona from IRL? Do you feel more comfortable expressing yourself authentically here than out in the world? I find it hard to believe that the “real you” is a totally different person. I know you struggle to express your femininity out there, and probably conceal a lot of yourself. Plenty of us have been there, and we realise in retrospect that we weren’t doing nearly as good a job of masking as we thought we were. That’s kinda the whole theme of egg_irl.
If you’ve exhausted your allotment of therapy sessions for this period, and you’re still not feeling comfortable enough to speak plainly with your therapist, then I agree with TotallynotJessica that this speaks to a failing on their part, or at least indicates that this therapist isn’t a good fit for you. I’m on my sixth psychologist, and it took me until now to feel comfortable digging deep and really working through stuff in a meaningful way.
It sucks that you have to shop around like this, and go to all the time, expense and emotional burden of opening up to new psychs trying to find the right one, but it will serve you well in the end. It sounds like you’ve made enough of an effort with this one to declare that they’re not right for you, and it might be time to cut your losses.
listn. if i were to hop out now, id onli get one in about half a year.
alsuu, i didn “expend” amounts of sessions, thads not a thing here. its jus holidays rn so she jus doesn work (bt i do…)
so, agn, like… she does see thad i want hormones n is evn offerin it. while i rllirllirllirlli need hormones, i need a way to not die of fear too (cuz i got supr bad needl fear n they have to do monthli blood checkups so i lik… thads my main thing rn)
im srri, othrs wud be vrri happi with my position on jus get them hormones n finalli be marginabli oki. bt sadli nt me… nt yet at least…
Okay, if you’re progressing towards the goals you feel are most important right now then I’m happy for you. The impression I got was that you still don’t feel comfortable enough articulating the true severity of your issues to make any real progress, but perhaps I’m missing the whole story. I’m sorry if I overstepped.
Monthly blood checkups is insane! My prescriber only wants quarterly, but I guess the frequency isn’t the point for you. >1 is too many. Needle fear is real. I really hope you can make some progress with that soon. Perhaps your doctor could prescribe an anxiolytic to help you ease into it. Never hurts to ask!
well yis, i hav big difficulti explainin. u didn overstep, u did all the right things.
yisyis i kno… bt first i hav to wait for holidays thn i hav to wait til she actually calls n then i have to wait til i actually get anothr session n then i hav to hope i hav confidenc to say thad i wan E now (n alsuu all the othr bad feels which go way beyond thad) n alsuu have confidenc for evil blood checkups n alsuu lik… nt die or jump out of window when it actualli happns n stuff…
things hav worsened drasticalli, especialli in last days…
Honestly, part of the problem isn’t just with your therapist, but the outdated gatekeepy system in your county that wants to “prove” your transness before helping you. Evidence does not support this approach, which is why many places have moved away from unnecessary delays
You are in a bad place mentally, and there is a good chance that gender dysphoria is the main cause. Sometimes people have no choice but to come out and affirm their gender, as they are unable to even function otherwise.
I thought I could delay coming out, but I just hadn’t realized how bad things were. More importantly, I never realized how good things would be once I left that worn out mask behind. It really held me back from everything. My fears were nothing in comparison to the horror I was living, and the joys were more than I dreamed.
yisyis well — i kno that its thad bad. i cn see it. i kno thad gender dysphoria is genuinely having major bad impacts on my life and no positive ones
sad things
n jus to mek it clear: i hav nt shared any of these with therapist. thads whad i mean by me not sharin much with her, and thad im talkin way diffrent when talkin german n stuff… when i say it in grmn it sounds lik im makin stuff up to appear depressed. which i rlli hate. so i dun