For me it was just a general feeling of “wrongness” mostly. Like cramming yourself into shoes that are just a little too small. You’re acutely aware that it’s uncomfortable and that it doesn’t feel right, but it’s your whole body.

In my case I think those feelings were aggravated by my ADHD. There’s this sense called proprioception that is knowing where your body is and how it’s moving without looking that many people with ADHD or autism often struggle with. It’s one of the things that contributes to that stereotype of the “ADHD Walk” where we’re constantly running into, getting caught on, or tripping over things more typical people seem top just instinctively avoid.

So not only did just the state of being a boy feel wrong, and I hated the things that came with this box everyone had put me in. But my whole body felt clumsy and like it was a few inches too big in every dimension. Which only reinforced that this person I saw in the mirror every day just wasn’t Me.