Last night I had a dream where I was socially interacting as male, had male anatomy, etc. - it usually disturbs me when I wake up and realize my unconscious is operating this way, it feels like I don’t see myself as a woman, which is true on a conscious level but it’s painful when I don’t even see myself as a woman in my dreams.
Sometimes even before transition trans women see themselves as women in their dreams, and I marvel at that. I think part of my denial was integrating every internal part of me that felt female as being actually authentically male, that all men are actually feminine in this way or that. So the authentically feminine parts of me still feel “male”.
Anyway, I just wanted to do a quick poll and see:
(if any transmasc folks or enbies are reading this, I would love your input too, even though I’m using gendered language, I don’t mean to be excluding)
- did you have dreams where you were a woman before you transitioned?
- what was the process like of your internal concept changing as you transitioned?
- when did you start appearing as a woman in your dreams post-transition? (did the frequency increase post-transition, what was that change like?)
- how do you relate to your self-conception, does it disturb you to be a man in your dreams, is it a relief to be a woman in your dreams?
Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve had dreams where I’ll wake up as a girl and I’ll run to the mirror, and I’ll start crying because I actually felt happy with my body. Those dreams would always hit the hardest because I’d soon wake up after that and find out it was just a dream.
While transitioning, I felt like I was becoming more “me”, my true self, it’s hard to describe. It’s like a weight was gradually being lifted off of me.
The frequency of appearing as a woman increased post transition, but those dreams were already common pre transition too.
I hate being a man in my dreams, because that’s not me, it doesn’t feel like me, it’d be like waking up as a whole different person.