I don’t know where else to post this. Definitely not casual conversation. Off my chest seems more like a place for when you’ve got something to say to everyone else. And I’m not really necessarily looking for advice. Pretty personal and about mental health and shit though. So if there’s somewhere better, let me know. I just need to dump this shit somewhere.

Just went without weed for around two weeks. One of the longest stretches I’ve gone without for most of my adult life so far. And this particular time, it has especially made me realise and come to terms with the fact that whenever I’ve called it “medicine”, I’ve only been half joking.

Because I unravel more and more, then facepalm when I’ve finally had my medicine and start thinking about how I’ve been feeling and acting out. When I’ve gone without for just a couple of days in the past, I’ve called it an addiction but this time the insomnia and lack of appetite ended in a couple of days but my everything else got worse and worse.

I become completely dysfunctional in the real world, and a feeling that I think I’ve realised is a constant anxiety. Or bottled rage sometimes. And an inability to even sit for long enough to watch something or play a game. That’s when I start learning into the endless scroll of the virtual world hard.

And there I start looking for outlets for all of my rage. Not picking my battles but standing on my hill(s) and calling all challengers. I fight for things that I believe in and not just aimlessly but at the same time, I feel aware that I’m also doing it selfishly, so that I’ve got something to do with all of the continuous anxiety and unease and general feeling like shit.

And now I’m here. I’ve had my medicine and now I feel like I’ve been unhinged (more than usual), howling under a full moon that lasted two weeks. And now I facepalm about it, not for what I’ve said but for how and why and when. Maybe even who.

I don’t have the means to get diagnosed with anything at this present point, but I’m fairly convinced now that one reason it’s taken me so long to realise that not everything is ok; is because my continuous weed use has not only been alleviating things for me on a chemical level, it also makes it easier for me to pretend that all systems are running normally or that my specs are the same as everyone I have to meet and talk to. That I don’t actually feel like a stranger all the time, even if I’ve known you for years.