Last night I had a dream where I was socially interacting as male, had male anatomy, etc. - it usually disturbs me when I wake up and realize my unconscious is operating this way, it feels like I don’t see myself as a woman, which is true on a conscious level but it’s painful when I don’t even see myself as a woman in my dreams.
Sometimes even before transition trans women see themselves as women in their dreams, and I marvel at that. I think part of my denial was integrating every internal part of me that felt female as being actually authentically male, that all men are actually feminine in this way or that. So the authentically feminine parts of me still feel “male”.
Anyway, I just wanted to do a quick poll and see:
(if any transmasc folks or enbies are reading this, I would love your input too, even though I’m using gendered language, I don’t mean to be excluding)
- did you have dreams where you were a woman before you transitioned?
- what was the process like of your internal concept changing as you transitioned?
- when did you start appearing as a woman in your dreams post-transition? (did the frequency increase post-transition, what was that change like?)
- how do you relate to your self-conception, does it disturb you to be a man in your dreams, is it a relief to be a woman in your dreams?
Most frequently now I would characterize my “gendered experience” in my dreams as of a male trying to navigate socially as a woman, having breasts but not being fully a woman (it’s not like I see myself as a cis woman in the dream, but instead my body feels like it has a mix of gendered traits, which reflects reality, and I am often trying to pass as a woman in my dreams, but feeling that tension created by being in-between, of feeling like I need to pass as both male and female).
My dreams have often featured my body in various ways, but it’s inconsistent and dreams are often disembodied or in bodies that couldn’t be mine or that don’t feel like mine, etc. - so that varies a lot.
Makes sense that the dreams reflect your anxieties, I think that’s happening to me too as I am trying to pass in reality my dreams are often about trying to pass. I think before I transitioned I also put effort into trying to “pass” more as a man, and that comes out in the dreams too - it’s like there is no gender that is effortless for me.
Socially, I see myself as agender, but it wasn’t until 2.5 years (and 6 months after I started HRT) after my egg cracked that I came out to anyone except my roommates so makes sense why my dreams are the way they are. I’m still only out to a few people, and ideally I’d rather not have people at work find out.
I did have a dream recently where everyone started gendering me as a woman and dream-me liked it even though it acknowledged that people weren’t quite correct, it certainly was a lot better than being assumed a guy.