Sorry if this is different from my usual posts. I’m just reflecting on how I never fully open up to people. I say a lot of private shit that most people don’t talk about, but I never take real risks. I never take chances or let myself believe that feelings could ever be reciprocated.
I’ve acted in less fortunate ways in the past when I fall for someone (Not anything serious, just being a bit creepy and obsessive). I’m always scared of turning people off, so I never even let myself care or become attached. I hold people at arms length and never reach out in the first place. I’m afraid of caring, because caring hurts in a way simple rejection doesn’t.
I hope to let myself swim with the current more next year. I’ve never believed in myself like I do now. I know I’m resilient and capable of more than it feels like I am. I need to take the plunge and get hurt, because it sucks not swimming. Hell, maybe I’ll finally swim again now that I’m less repulsed by my body. I hope to rock a swimsuit at least once this summer
Like I said, that deep self hatred is the main thing holding back most people with “treatment resistant” depression. There’s something appealing about viewing yourself as a total piece of shit, responsible for all your misery. Maybe we just like casting blame on something, anything, for bad things in life. We want something to hate, so we hate ourselves.
Part of letting go of this need to hate is letting go of the need to blame in the first place. Blame isn’t something inherent, but a tool. It can cloud our mind to focus on responsibility or what people are owed. No one inherently deserves anything, so we ultimately decided what people deserve. You don’t deserve to feel ashamed of yourself for no other reason than it not being helpful to anybody.
This may be a simple answer, but it is not an easy answer in the slightest. As this post clearly demonstrates, it’s not a one and done deal. I still have to constantly fight my self hatred, and I don’t win every battle. However, I still win the war so long as I make my life worth living as much as possible. I won’t give up till the weight of the world kills me from the outside. If anyone tried to force me to not live as the person I love, I’d simply fight them till they’re forced to put me down. The horrors persist and so must I.