Sorry if this is different from my usual posts. I’m just reflecting on how I never fully open up to people. I say a lot of private shit that most people don’t talk about, but I never take real risks. I never take chances or let myself believe that feelings could ever be reciprocated.

I’ve acted in less fortunate ways in the past when I fall for someone (Not anything serious, just being a bit creepy and obsessive). I’m always scared of turning people off, so I never even let myself care or become attached. I hold people at arms length and never reach out in the first place. I’m afraid of caring, because caring hurts in a way simple rejection doesn’t.

I hope to let myself swim with the current more next year. I’ve never believed in myself like I do now. I know I’m resilient and capable of more than it feels like I am. I need to take the plunge and get hurt, because it sucks not swimming. Hell, maybe I’ll finally swim again now that I’m less repulsed by my body. I hope to rock a swimsuit at least once this summer

  • TotallynotJessicaOPMEnglish
    9·
    4 days ago

    Not looking for hollow platitudes about how I’ll get there someday and how it gets better.

    Fine then; I’ll tell you the truth. Things don’t really change, even when you “get there.” Getting better is about learning to live with reality, both in ourselves and the outside world.

    I believe many depressing things about life; many ideas that most people refuse to fully accept.

    • There is no God or greater purpose, but even if there was; I don’t give a shit what they have planned for me.
    • We are machines with no free will, created as part of a mechanical process that exists to justify its own existence. Violence is a necessary part of life, as nature is a cruel designer fueled by blood sacrifice.
    • Industrial society is fundamentally unsustainable, and we have inherited a generation debt built by that naive revolution.
    • Injustice can never be undone, so the only justice possible is minimizing future injustice…
    • No one, not even the most powerful are truly in charge of capitalism. The king doesn’t rule, only the meta entity of his “kingdom.” Rich people don’t own shit, because they themselves are slaves to their own class. We serve these inhuman forces, which is why we so often get the short end of the stick.
    • Every field I’ve taken a look into, from filmmaking, to comedy, to business, to psychology, to philosophy, all believe convenient lies because the truth is such a pain to deal with.

    I believe all these awful things to be truth, yet in many ways, I still managed to “get there.” I didn’t need to cloak myself in lies or hide from questioning everything I believe, because I managed to internalize useful ideas that make life worth living:

    1. I need to not hate myself, but instead love myself. There is nothing objective about our value assessments of anything. We just deem things good or bad based on if it’s useful in some way to serve some goal. When we view ourselves as bad in essence, our happiness is stunted and we are worse at everything. This goes against our ability to get what we want and need, prevents us from being happy, and threatens our evolutionary function. Fighting self hate is good from most perspectives, and it really is the missing puzzle piece for many depressed people.
    2. We only ever do our best in the moment. Once we are in a situation, we just do what we always would have done given the circumstances. Any failure in motivation and attention can be traced into the past, so what does happen is what needed to happen. Even with an unwritten future, there is a written past, and the present is always the result of it. As a consequence, we must live and do in the moment, prepping for the future, and rolling with whatever we have once the time comes. Basically, zen shit
    3. Being grateful for what good things we have is like a double exposure for our happiness. Pleasures feel hallow if we don’t appreciate them, so by remembering all the good things a at regular points in the day, we don’t lose sight of them. It’s just a helpful strategy to fill the void :)
    4. Meditation can help with all of these things by giving you better control of your own thoughts. It’s a skill that must be practiced, but again, it does make things suck a lot less

    Thanks to these self help strats (🤮), I can brave the apocalypse, brought to us by capitalism, imperialism, and natural itself! It kind needs to be self help, as one cannot escape from the pit of misery without working to do it themselves:

    NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU, EXCEPT YOU.

    If you don’t give an earnest attempt, you won’t make it. You still might not make it, as outside forces can doom you from the start, but if that is the case, at least you still lived the best life you could have.

    • pixeltreeEnglish
      1·
      4 days ago

      I can do the meditation, I can change how I view my situation, and I can emotionally disconnect myself from how shit existence is, but it only lasts a while. I can’t fundamentally change my situation, and I will be plunged back down here in short order when my positive outlook conflicts with reality. No one can save me except me, and I’m telling you I can’t save me. I’ve done this dance many times, and I’m so tired of it. I’m worse off than if I hadn’t tried to improve things in the first place and I can’t bear to do it anymore.

      I do want to thank you for not just echoing the same unhelpful remarks everyone does, though. I really appreciate you taking the time, and I understand what you’re saying very well, because I’ve been there. And now I’m back here.

      • TotallynotJessicaOPMEnglish
        2·
        4 days ago

        Like I said, that deep self hatred is the main thing holding back most people with “treatment resistant” depression. There’s something appealing about viewing yourself as a total piece of shit, responsible for all your misery. Maybe we just like casting blame on something, anything, for bad things in life. We want something to hate, so we hate ourselves.

        Part of letting go of this need to hate is letting go of the need to blame in the first place. Blame isn’t something inherent, but a tool. It can cloud our mind to focus on responsibility or what people are owed. No one inherently deserves anything, so we ultimately decided what people deserve. You don’t deserve to feel ashamed of yourself for no other reason than it not being helpful to anybody.

        This may be a simple answer, but it is not an easy answer in the slightest. As this post clearly demonstrates, it’s not a one and done deal. I still have to constantly fight my self hatred, and I don’t win every battle. However, I still win the war so long as I make my life worth living as much as possible. I won’t give up till the weight of the world kills me from the outside. If anyone tried to force me to not live as the person I love, I’d simply fight them till they’re forced to put me down. The horrors persist and so must I.