Sorry if this is different from my usual posts. I’m just reflecting on how I never fully open up to people. I say a lot of private shit that most people don’t talk about, but I never take real risks. I never take chances or let myself believe that feelings could ever be reciprocated.
I’ve acted in less fortunate ways in the past when I fall for someone (Not anything serious, just being a bit creepy and obsessive). I’m always scared of turning people off, so I never even let myself care or become attached. I hold people at arms length and never reach out in the first place. I’m afraid of caring, because caring hurts in a way simple rejection doesn’t.
I hope to let myself swim with the current more next year. I’ve never believed in myself like I do now. I know I’m resilient and capable of more than it feels like I am. I need to take the plunge and get hurt, because it sucks not swimming. Hell, maybe I’ll finally swim again now that I’m less repulsed by my body. I hope to rock a swimsuit at least once this summer
yeah i feel this, i pushed a lot of people away this year because of stupid reasons where i was mostly in my head and not just communicating. my ex said that i was so upfront about my trauma and fucked up life and problems that i seemed like i was super open, but that isnt really true, i learned how people expected me to respond and then never learned how to communicate the ways that work for me, so i just stopped trying to communicate how i feel and get upset when nobody understands.
anyways yeah im working on it, and estrogen has been making me reexamine every aspect of myself now that i am flooded with emotions daily. im for once excited to see what the future holds for me and cant wait to try and make connections to people, hopefully it works this time lol.