mine was when i was 13. i always thought one of my friends in middle school was good looking…too good looking. a month later we had a sleepover and he took his shirt and shorts off to change… and that confirmed it. side note, did anyone else find the guys on underwear really hot? when i get new underwear, i kinda can’t help but stare at it for a bit until i remember that i’m in public and people could notice that i’m staring. also, i’ve recently fully accepted myself as gay and that’s really helped me mentally. for a few years i would beat myself up about it out of shame. anyways, i was just curious about when and how you found out you were gay?
When I was in grade school, I would always struggle to figure out which boys I had crushes on. I kind of thought all the girls were just making it up.
I was raised conservatively and you were just supposed to be with a man if you were a woman. Everyone seemed to hate their spouse, so I thought no woman really LIKED men. They smell bad, they don’t groom themselves well, and they don’t care about your interests. (For the fellas reading this, I know many men aren’t like this! This was just my experience and perception in a small town in a red state in the 90s.)
Women, though. They were just so pretty. And cute.
After puberty hit, it got so much worse. I wanted to have sex with them, but it’s not real sex since there is no man. (More of my environment influencing my thoughts here.) My self esteem was very low, and I didn’t think any women would want me, so I settled for men. I did have sex with a few women but they would ignore me and pretend nothing happened afterwards.
It finally clicked when I was 16. I dated this one girl that was truly awful to me, so I thought that maybe it wasn’t worth it. I shoved the gay feelings back inside. Why stray from “the default”, since it’s easier and still sucks anyway?
After horrible relationships with both men and women, I finally was out to myself at 26. I realized that men and women (and everyone else) have the potential to be horrible, amazing, or anything in between. Any partners I choose should be good to me. And when I allowed myself to consider anyone, I would only ever consider women or nonbinary folks.